Would you Believe me if I Said?

 

Photo by Yohann Lc on Unsplash

Would you believe me if I said

That I used to dread

the life that I've led

And everything I wished for, instead

Is about to be read

I used to dream my life was a show

Filling stadiums row after row

Everyone catching my flow

Till my fame could no longer grow

I wanted everything this world could bestow

But then, to my surprise

I learned that this came at a price

Cause it wasn't okay for a niña nice

To roll the dice, to have so much spice

Everyone told me it just wasn't wise

To pursue fortune and fame

So my fantasies I had to tame

Thinking like this brought me such shame

I shouldn't be wanting so much acclaim

I had to find a new aim

So I focused on school

On following every rule

And obtaining every tool

That would keep me from becoming a fool

And while I said, "yeah, this is cool"

Inside me, I knew

I confessed it every Sunday on my pew

That I longed to be part of the few

Who were free enough to follow their own hue

Change the world with every word that I spew

See, I've kept all of this hidden

For 28 years, these words have been bedridden

Because my desires, they seemed forbidden

Everything I said I wanted was chidden

It just wasn't something I felt I could bid in

So I got on a plane

And focused on feeding my brain

Sometimes it felt like I was going insane

The confusion, the angst, it's so hard to explain

But now I know, nothing happens in vain

In the process I found more than just myself

I fed my soul with every book on my shelf

Took to heart the words, 'know thyself'

And realized it's okay to be sort of an elf

You just have to make peace with not understanding it all yourself

I loved my degree, don't get me wrong

It's just, I often felt I didn't belong

The years went by, and I played along

But my conviction was no longer as strong

So I would often just escape in a song

That's when the depression started

When I couldn't even fathom what I'd been granted

I'd become completely brokenhearted

From who I'd been, I had completely departed

It felt like my journey had by others been charted

I realized this was part of becoming an adult

It seemed to be life's natural result

But to a younger me, it was an insult

becoming part of what seemed like a cult

A system that punishes those who want to catapult

Letting dreams die, man that's just cruel

How to go on if you just have no fuel?

It's so bad we tell our youth they're a jewel

Then invoice them for our mistakes accrual

We're all desperate for a renewal

For years I've tried

To remain wide-eyed

To set aside my pride

And stop living like Jekyll and Hyde

I just want peace on the inside

So I've recently started to write

Man, my chest was getting so tight

I'm not focused on getting it right

I just want to go back to the light

And maybe I'll make it this time, I might

I can feel it in my gut, the bile

When I think about what I could defile

By sharing the thoughts I compile

But even if it takes a while

I hope that eventually, I'll be able to smile